If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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