Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
