well I can't set my house on fire every night
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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