Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
