alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
