I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
