Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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