I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
