my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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