her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
