I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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