Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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