I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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