I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
