Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
