its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Randomize
