my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
