you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
