He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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