And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
