He asked me if I "almost moaned"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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