god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
