I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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