i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
