I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
