My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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