I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize