I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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