They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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