I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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