I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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