oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
