I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
