If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize