So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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