Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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