Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
