My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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