She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
