I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
