So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
