I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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