Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
