just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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