rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
