Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize