i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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