From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
