This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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