White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
