dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
