Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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