He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I love having hate sex.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
