I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
