Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
